A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
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My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.