@BoogTweets

A penguin sits next to you on a plane to Toledo you let him have the window seat but he ends up holding his goddamn fins out the whole time singing I’m like a bird by Nelly Furtado

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@WilliamAder

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

@CruisinSoozan

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

@oakhillbargrill

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

@crmotwo

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

@preawsaurus

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11

@djangogold

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night