Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
A penguin sits next to you on a plane to Toledo you let him have the window seat but he ends up holding his goddamn fins out the whole time singing I’m like a bird by Nelly Furtado
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I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night