A penguin sits next to you on a plane to Toledo you let him have the window seat but he ends up holding his goddamn fins out the whole time singing I’m like a bird by Nelly Furtado

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Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.


I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.


– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America


[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.



oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.


[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11


if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night