A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
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50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Cardio Made Easy
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I love the honesty
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut