A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
You Might Also Like
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
In case you needed to hear it:
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big