@ahumanfireball

A perk of being in your thirties is waking up injured because you slept in a slightly different way than usual.

You Might Also Like

@flashember

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

@Slims_Ramblings

“Hey look, there’s a deer frolicking in the woods over there!”

Deer: What the hell did you say I was doing?

@iinkedZombie

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

@UncleDuke1969

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

@Hobo_Splendido

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

@thestinkerbell_

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

@rcromwell4

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.