ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
A perk of being in your thirties is waking up injured because you slept in a slightly different way than usual.
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“Hey look, there’s a deer frolicking in the woods over there!”
Deer: What the hell did you say I was doing?
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Pizza is an emotion right?
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.