@TEXASVETERAN

A person dies every 3 seconds. How can a person die that many times?

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@FU_TangClan

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

@mattZillaaaa

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

@Marlebean

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

@FredTaming

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

@Mom_Overboard

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

@jenniferemorrow

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

@daplusk

Parenting tip: see if your child has learnt to swear by turning the wifi off while they’re gaming online

@lonelySophia

“Wow 4 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know”

Me: wow 4 kids… those are pretty damn permanent CAROL

@TheToddWilliams

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

@TheAndrewNadeau

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right