I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
You Might Also Like
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…