Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
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Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
This is Sparta
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I think I’m having a stroke
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still