[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
You Might Also Like
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵