“I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex”
-did you just read that off your hand?
“Hey! You’re not blind!”
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
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My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… **Coughs up hairball**
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Just bought animal crackers and a kayak.
I hate you Costco.
Drug dealer: were you followed?
Me: doubt it, I tweeted a bunch of lame inspirational shit to throw them off my scent
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
ME: look a possum
HER: actually it’s spelled opossum
ME: you don’t no how I spelled it, we’re talking
HER: actually it’s spelled know
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go