A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

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[blind date]

“I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex”

-did you just read that off your hand?

“Hey! You’re not blind!”


Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… **Coughs up hairball**

Dog: You gonna eat that?


Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.


Drug dealer: were you followed?

Me: doubt it, I tweeted a bunch of lame inspirational shit to throw them off my scent


If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take


ME: look a possum

HER: actually it’s spelled opossum

ME: you don’t no how I spelled it, we’re talking

HER: actually it’s spelled know


My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”


If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go