A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
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Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
very niche meme I made
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car