@Ristolable

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

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@SteveSuckington

[blind date]

“I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex”

-did you just read that off your hand?

“Hey! You’re not blind!”

@T_Bonezzz

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… **Coughs up hairball**

Dog: You gonna eat that?

@UnfilteredMama

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

@DaddyJew

Drug dealer: were you followed?

Me: doubt it, I tweeted a bunch of lame inspirational shit to throw them off my scent

@bighandsmassuer

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

@RoosterMustache

ME: look a possum

HER: actually it’s spelled opossum

ME: you don’t no how I spelled it, we’re talking

HER: actually it’s spelled know

@OmarNajam

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

@dumbbeezie

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go