A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*