Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
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[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats