A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
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I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
waiting for halloween be like:
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.