A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
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If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.