A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
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detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.