a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
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Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
this has done me in for some reason
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.