@prufrockluvsong

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

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@theshantilly

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

@just1fool

I wasn’t dancing. I was trying to connect to the wifi.

@ScottLinnen

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

@badbanana

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

@BeeeejEsq

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

@WheelTod

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

@Carbosly

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.