a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

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Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.


I wasn’t dancing. I was trying to connect to the wifi.


We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”


What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?


Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??


When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.


Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.


The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.