Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
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I wasn’t dancing. I was trying to connect to the wifi.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Sorry but this is a perfect TikTok
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.