A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
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wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!