A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
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What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
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