[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
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[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
For the baby who has everything
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Kids: Stay in school.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.