[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
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Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.