My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
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*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.