A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
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Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]