a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
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*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.