A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
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In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.