Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
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I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.