When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
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incredible text to wake up to
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
My biological clock is wheezing.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Here’s a meme
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous