A policeman came into my house and told me to put my hands up.I told him that he wasn’t a DJ and we laughed and laughed and now I’m in jail.

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Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here


I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.


Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.


One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush


American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!


Me: Thank you!

Cashier: You have a good one!

Me: That’s the rumor!

Cashier: …


Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.


Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.


Every store should have one line for people who have their shit together.