Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
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just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?