Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
A policeman came into my house and told me to put my hands up.I told him that he wasn’t a DJ and we laughed and laughed and now I’m in jail.
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I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Me: Thank you!
Cashier: You have a good one!
Me: That’s the rumor!
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.
Every store should have one line for people who have their shit together.