@JayJazzi

A policeman came into my house and told me to put my hands up.I told him that he wasn’t a DJ and we laughed and laughed and now I’m in jail.

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@realHamOnWry

My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.

@Playing_Dad

[On a date]
*Don’t let her know you’re a dog*
Girl: Do you want to…maybe go for a walk after this?
*starts running in circles going crazy*

@Shade510

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

@Tommytoughstuff

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

@alovablenerd

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

@feverboner

People say being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world, like they went out and really compared it to being a bear trainer or a magician or a murder clown.

@PopSlapFunk

So we no longer say “please” and “thanks” in the office? Never got the memo. But I did get one saying it’s ok to key impolite people’s cars.

@midwestern_ope

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

@Sir_Strange

“No pressure, but my happiness is totally dependent on you.”

– soulmates