*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
You Might Also Like
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
much to think about
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’