@amishschool: A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by "crippling them financially" so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
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@donjuantip: ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
@thepaulahunt: My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you'd be on the light side or the dark side? Me: I'd probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
@Sassafrantz: [texting] ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game. me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.