@amishschool

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

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@GregorJFord

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

@CorkyCrash

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

@TheQuietPsycho

When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk

I can’t even make this up

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

@MarkBuckawicki

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

@Mom_Overboard

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

@SuperApple8

If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.

@adult_mom

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

@Kristen_Arnett

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab