Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
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I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk
I can’t even make this up
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab