A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
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Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
#Caturday
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.