@bathflyer

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

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@thetits

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

@rajandelman

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

@angibangie

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

@sixfootcandy

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

@slimmy_shady

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

@ApocalypseHow

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

@Fickle_Filly

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.