A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
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Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
a public service announcement
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
A small tragedy.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.