@anhonestmess

A popcorn necklace is a nice way to tell someone you want them to be attacked by birds.

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@Just_Lee_

When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.

@iCumBl00d

Why do they hand out Kleenex at funerals if you’re not supposed to jerk off in the back row

@Darlainky

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

@JasonLastname

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

@MarfSalvador

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

@FilthyRichmond

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

@HALFniteStand

“The past tense of LOL is not LOL’d, it’s L’dOL.” – How I like to end a date with 18-25 year old girls.

@truegritrumble

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

@iLikeCatShirts

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.