Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
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So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
The Onion called it…again.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.