When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
A popcorn necklace is a nice way to tell someone you want them to be attacked by birds.
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Why do they hand out Kleenex at funerals if you’re not supposed to jerk off in the back row
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
“The past tense of LOL is not LOL’d, it’s L’dOL.” – How I like to end a date with 18-25 year old girls.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.