@chrisdowning

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

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@KyleMcDowell86

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

@clarkekant

At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

@Karate_Horse

I wish there was a way to musically tell someone to pour sugar on you but there isn’t

@JUSTLisandra

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

@mommywhitfield

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

@moutheaters

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

@brettminor

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

@Poutymcgee

Doe. A deer. A female deer.

Ray. My creepy Uncle’s naaaame.

@Shaundsmith80

*Me tucking my 5yo into bed*

5yo: I wanna sleep in your bed tonight

Me: Me and mommy need you to stay in your bed sweetheart

5yo: But I’m scared of the dark

Me: Is the dark scarier than mommy with no sleep?

5yo: *goes straight to sleep*