A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
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My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
lmao
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.