A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

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[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”


At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard.


Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.


I wish there was a way to musically tell someone to pour sugar on you but there isn’t


Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.


My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.


Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies


Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?


Doe. A deer. A female deer.

Ray. My creepy Uncle’s naaaame.


*Me tucking my 5yo into bed*

5yo: I wanna sleep in your bed tonight

Me: Me and mommy need you to stay in your bed sweetheart

5yo: But I’m scared of the dark

Me: Is the dark scarier than mommy with no sleep?

5yo: *goes straight to sleep*