Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon.
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I’m not saying you’re an idiot,
I’m typing it.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page