Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
You Might Also Like
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd