A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

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Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
“Who, dad?”
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.


Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish


[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is



Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.


Yes, other people are stupid. But to everyone but you, you are one of those other people.


The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.


KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.


“You thinkin what I’m thinkin?”
“That we should dance our way out of this street fight?”
“Wait what?”
“No time! Break on 8! And a 5 6 7 8.”