A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

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haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho


If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.


Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.


I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber


A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.


Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them


I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about


Maybe I’m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule


Gf: am I pretty or ugly?

Bf: you’re both hun ๐Ÿ™‚

Gf: what do you mean both?

Bf: you’re pretty ugly.


*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*