@LizHackett

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

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@BuckyIsotope

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

@maurex23

[spelling bee]

-your word is ‘amnesia’

-can you use it a sentence, please?

-your word is ‘amnesia’

@PaperWash

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

@TheAlexNevil

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

@GoldenSpirals

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

@ClichedOut

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

@UncleDuke1969

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

@MariyaAlexander

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

@BoomBoomBetty

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.