A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
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[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.