@LizHackett

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

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@imteddybless

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

@Maxine12333

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

@wendchymes

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

@cheeky__gal

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

@briangaar

Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them

@misfarber

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about

@F5X11

Maybe I’m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule

@yassinovic89

Gf: am I pretty or ugly?

Bf: you’re both hun ๐Ÿ™‚

Gf: what do you mean both?

Bf: you’re pretty ugly.

@Coolisiana

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*