@LizHackett

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

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@yaboydil

Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
“Who, dad?”
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.

@lmegordon

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

@AnkCoupleTO

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

@withanewname

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

@TheTweetOfGod

Yes, other people are stupid. But to everyone but you, you are one of those other people.

@BoomBoomBetty

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

@truegritrumble

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

@ibid78

“You thinkin what I’m thinkin?”
“That we should dance our way out of this street fight?”
“Wait what?”
“No time! Break on 8! And a 5 6 7 8.”