A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
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I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
pictures of spider-man
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!