My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
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My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.