A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
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Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment