when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
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he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER: