A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

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Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.


[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.


how to be a yogi

1. do a good stretch
2. get ready to steal hella picnic baskets


At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.


Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?


Husband: HOW SHORT?!


The difference between my “Maine lobster” and my “main lobster” is boiling water or a high five.


*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them