A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”