Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I can’t wait to find out what new undeleteable apps that I don’t want will be on the new iPhone.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’