Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
how to be a yogi
1. do a good stretch
2. get ready to steal hella picnic baskets
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
The difference between my “Maine lobster” and my “main lobster” is boiling water or a high five.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them