A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
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My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
RT if you could go either way.
necessity is the mother of invention
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers