A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
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[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
when revenge coincides with naptime
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?