@IvoryGazelle

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

You Might Also Like

@trevso_electric

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

@AndyAsAdjective

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.

@envydatropic

My greatest fear is that I’ll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh

@theawkwardful

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

@SondraDeeMe

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

@GrantTanaka

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

@WilliamAder

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.