Hipsters hate rivers. Too mainstream.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
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Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
My greatest fear is that I’ll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.