@IvoryGazelle

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

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@DanaJGould

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

@Dawn_M_

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

@squidslippers

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

@1Happytwit

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

@Eden_Eats

Cashier: Your total is $3,896

Me: Can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: OK, that’ll be $2.99

@Roxtalled2

Potential Employer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “In the break room, with my arm stuck in the vending machine.”

@ThisOneSayz

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

@JermHimselfish

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

@panmidwest

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know