A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
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*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Challenge accepted.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
no one likes gloating
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers