a professional thief tries to steal my wallet but i’m wearing skinny jeans so his hand just gets stuck in my pocket

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BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward


Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*


I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary


How to get laid:

HAHAHA you guys thought I get laid for a second there.


I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.


*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else