[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.