A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
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I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
the icebreaker
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.