@JimmerThatisAll

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

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@NJPsychDoc

My therapist says that to be happy in marriage, never go to sleep mad at each other. Been mad at my wife 2 months straight cause of insomnia

@sixfootcandy

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

@Cain_Unable

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

@dafloydsta

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

@TheHyyyype

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

@guskenworthy

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

@milliondollrfam

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

@WheelTod

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

@Chumpstring

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

@HousewifeOfHell

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.