A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
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Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom