a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
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The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?