a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.