*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
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Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
B: Is that a sticky note?
HR: Let’s talk about why you were late today.
Me: I told you!
HR: DRAGONS AREN’T “RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!”
Me: Duh. That’s why I was late.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
batsignal illuminates the night
*mothman slams right into it*
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?