@cottoncandaddy: a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
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@eminmien: "What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?" I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she's seen something she shouldn't.
@BuckyIsotope: *spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time* *girlfriend sighs* "Just take off the mittens" MY HANDS ARE COLD
@Mom_Overboard: Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I'll get an Uber
@elle91: Me: Holy shit I have so much to do [Has a snack] [Takes a nap] [Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l [Stares at a tree] Holy shit I have so much to do [Has a snack]