a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
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Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”