[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
You Might Also Like
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
pelicons
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.